Monday, September 20, 2010

Shorts. A Political Comparison.

Today is 'Politics Day' on my blog and you will learn many new things. (Actually, you will learn next to nothing which is similar to watching 8 hours of political coverage on CNN so I'm saving you time that you can spend on important things like playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2!)

In this blog post, you will learn the difference between what Democratic and Republican females look like wearing shorts in their leisure time. Both photos are candid. No posing, no preparation.

I present you with: Michelle Obama and Sarah Palin...

Just to throw more fuel (C4) on the fire, here are a couple of other photos for your consideration:

Hey Democrats! U.G.L.Y. You ain't got no alibi, you ugly!

In my latest presentation of pretty politicians, I present you with Christine O'Donnell, A Tea Party representative here in the United States. Another example of how female politicians do not have to look like swamp pigs. U.S. Democrats have the belief that females in their party should be almost indistinguishable from the male ones. Remember kids, get out and vote and most importantly, DON'T VOTE UGLY!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

‘Killer’ Shrimp Found in UK. Scientists worried...

... and I'm sure the rest of us who read the headline were absolutely thrilled until we got to the meat of the article that explains the shrimp simply eat other invertebrates, including smaller shrimp. I was hoping for some B-movie giant man-eating shrimp!

(The restaurant's 'Shrimp - All You Can Eat' night is a failure due to customers discovering that it's actually an event for the shrimp.)

Still, scientists are unsure what to do about them. Here's an idea, if they're edible and jumbo-sized, EAT THEM!

(The truth. Whoopee freaking doo!)

Monday, September 13, 2010

BANGS - Take U To Da Movies

The first time I watched this, it was so bad I had to stop after 43 seconds and I was trying to force myself to get through it after a friend sent me the link.

Photobombing Rulez!

Woman obsessed with computer game left children to eat cold baked beans.

My first thoughts: They should think themselves lucky. Baked beans are nutritious and awesome. The article focuses on the fact that they had to eat them from the can - I'd eat them from the kitchen table if it saved on the washing up!

My second thoughts: The article goes on to say that she let her dogs starve to death and rot in the living room for two months. This is clearly not so awesome. However, the kids were 10 and 13 years old. You'd figure that (a) at least one of them could make a sandwich if the beans were getting tiresome, and (b) they would know how to feed the dogs when they started looking like the hell hounds from Resident Evil.

My third thoughts: Apparently she has been banned from using computers and having internet access. This will now just spur her on to save up for a XBox360 or PS3. What she saved on groceries and dog food must surely mean she can get a sweet deal at her local Walmart.

My final thoughts: The situation was discovered by a nosey neighbor peering through her letterbox. Just how much can you see through a letterbox? "Yep, by a random placement of mirrors I can see around the corner into the living room and am counting 1..2..3.. dead dogs in a state of advanced decomposition. I can see two children well-fed but surrounded by 234 empty cans of baked beans but no dirty plates and one mother who looks like she's really kicking butt on a video game. Dang, that woman is good... she must practice a lot!" Oh, and what was the worst smell? The dead dogs or two months of continuous farting from two kids eating Baked Beans?

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Find the troll!

A "troll" is somebody who lingers without good reason on a forum waiting to jump in on something that doesn't concern them. Most of the time, everybody knows who they are and avoids trying to initiate any kind of direct communication with them or discuss anything that might entertain their unwanted input.

Kentucky man goes on rampage after egg breakfast.

A man enraged over how his wife cooked his eggs in rural eastern Kentucky shot five people dead with a shotgun before killing himself, a relative of the victims said. (He didn't comment on just how crap the breakfast might have been so at this point we don't know if the killings were justified!)

(Om nom nom nom!)

You see, this is why cooking shows on tv have the same basic effect as the Miss Universe (inappropriately named - I mean you don't see any unmarried females from anywhere else in our galaxy competing in it - a bit like the "World Series", yep those Sudanese baseball teams really bring their A-game!). They give people unrealistic expectations of how women should look and perform. Many years ago, it was acceptable for your wife to look like a swamp rat and cook like a mentally disturbed prison inmate, but now they're expected to dress up, smell nice and cook something remotely edible.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Jet Blue - Job for life!

I don't know if you caught this on the news, but for those of you who have been fired for turning up late to work, failure to meet sales targets, etc. get a job with Jet Blue!

You know Jet Blue right? This is the company where an attendant (Steven Slater) cussed out the passengers, grabbed two beers (because just one is for the ladies) and jumped out of an emergency exit down the slide (and took his two carry-on bags) to rush home to have sex with his boyfriend. He got SUSPENDED! WTF do you have to do to get fired at Jet Blue?

(This might just be me, but he looks more excited than worried he's been arrested.)

Sunday, September 5, 2010

World's biggest potato!!! (Questionable.)

So, in the Lebanon, as an aside to getting closer to being wiped off the face of the earth by Israel, a man has grown the world's largest potato.

Well, FAIL FAIL FAIL, I present you with our own American version...