Monday, September 20, 2010

Shorts. A Political Comparison.

Today is 'Politics Day' on my blog and you will learn many new things. (Actually, you will learn next to nothing which is similar to watching 8 hours of political coverage on CNN so I'm saving you time that you can spend on important things like playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2!)

In this blog post, you will learn the difference between what Democratic and Republican females look like wearing shorts in their leisure time. Both photos are candid. No posing, no preparation.

I present you with: Michelle Obama and Sarah Palin...

Just to throw more fuel (C4) on the fire, here are a couple of other photos for your consideration:

Hey Democrats! U.G.L.Y. You ain't got no alibi, you ugly!

In my latest presentation of pretty politicians, I present you with Christine O'Donnell, A Tea Party representative here in the United States. Another example of how female politicians do not have to look like swamp pigs. U.S. Democrats have the belief that females in their party should be almost indistinguishable from the male ones. Remember kids, get out and vote and most importantly, DON'T VOTE UGLY!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

‘Killer’ Shrimp Found in UK. Scientists worried...

... and I'm sure the rest of us who read the headline were absolutely thrilled until we got to the meat of the article that explains the shrimp simply eat other invertebrates, including smaller shrimp. I was hoping for some B-movie giant man-eating shrimp!

(The restaurant's 'Shrimp - All You Can Eat' night is a failure due to customers discovering that it's actually an event for the shrimp.)

Still, scientists are unsure what to do about them. Here's an idea, if they're edible and jumbo-sized, EAT THEM!

(The truth. Whoopee freaking doo!)

Monday, September 13, 2010

BANGS - Take U To Da Movies

The first time I watched this, it was so bad I had to stop after 43 seconds and I was trying to force myself to get through it after a friend sent me the link.

Photobombing Rulez!

Woman obsessed with computer game left children to eat cold baked beans.

My first thoughts: They should think themselves lucky. Baked beans are nutritious and awesome. The article focuses on the fact that they had to eat them from the can - I'd eat them from the kitchen table if it saved on the washing up!

My second thoughts: The article goes on to say that she let her dogs starve to death and rot in the living room for two months. This is clearly not so awesome. However, the kids were 10 and 13 years old. You'd figure that (a) at least one of them could make a sandwich if the beans were getting tiresome, and (b) they would know how to feed the dogs when they started looking like the hell hounds from Resident Evil.

My third thoughts: Apparently she has been banned from using computers and having internet access. This will now just spur her on to save up for a XBox360 or PS3. What she saved on groceries and dog food must surely mean she can get a sweet deal at her local Walmart.

My final thoughts: The situation was discovered by a nosey neighbor peering through her letterbox. Just how much can you see through a letterbox? "Yep, by a random placement of mirrors I can see around the corner into the living room and am counting 1..2..3.. dead dogs in a state of advanced decomposition. I can see two children well-fed but surrounded by 234 empty cans of baked beans but no dirty plates and one mother who looks like she's really kicking butt on a video game. Dang, that woman is good... she must practice a lot!" Oh, and what was the worst smell? The dead dogs or two months of continuous farting from two kids eating Baked Beans?

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Find the troll!

A "troll" is somebody who lingers without good reason on a forum waiting to jump in on something that doesn't concern them. Most of the time, everybody knows who they are and avoids trying to initiate any kind of direct communication with them or discuss anything that might entertain their unwanted input.

Kentucky man goes on rampage after egg breakfast.

A man enraged over how his wife cooked his eggs in rural eastern Kentucky shot five people dead with a shotgun before killing himself, a relative of the victims said. (He didn't comment on just how crap the breakfast might have been so at this point we don't know if the killings were justified!)

(Om nom nom nom!)

You see, this is why cooking shows on tv have the same basic effect as the Miss Universe (inappropriately named - I mean you don't see any unmarried females from anywhere else in our galaxy competing in it - a bit like the "World Series", yep those Sudanese baseball teams really bring their A-game!). They give people unrealistic expectations of how women should look and perform. Many years ago, it was acceptable for your wife to look like a swamp rat and cook like a mentally disturbed prison inmate, but now they're expected to dress up, smell nice and cook something remotely edible.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Jet Blue - Job for life!

I don't know if you caught this on the news, but for those of you who have been fired for turning up late to work, failure to meet sales targets, etc. get a job with Jet Blue!

You know Jet Blue right? This is the company where an attendant (Steven Slater) cussed out the passengers, grabbed two beers (because just one is for the ladies) and jumped out of an emergency exit down the slide (and took his two carry-on bags) to rush home to have sex with his boyfriend. He got SUSPENDED! WTF do you have to do to get fired at Jet Blue?

(This might just be me, but he looks more excited than worried he's been arrested.)

Sunday, September 5, 2010

World's biggest potato!!! (Questionable.)

So, in the Lebanon, as an aside to getting closer to being wiped off the face of the earth by Israel, a man has grown the world's largest potato.

Well, FAIL FAIL FAIL, I present you with our own American version...

Hold up! It's the Virgin Mary!

If you thought the "divine" images of Jesus were a little unflattering, check out the "likeness" of Mary clocking in around the world. Most of them look like a blob with a head (yeah, yeah, back to my Michelle Obama references!) so I'm shocked the Catholics are down with their lady being presented in such a way. As I stated in my last blog post, some people are so desperate to see the fingerprint of God, they'll interpret a cat's "meow" as "God says don't bother buying the BMW, go with the Segway instead"!

(Bianca Lopez of Glendale, Ariz., said a pancake with the face of the Virgin Mary brought her peace. While making a batch of pancakes for her family the day before Thanksgiving, she spotted the religious image on her final pancake of the day. "I think it's God's way of telling us that the holidays aren't just about presents, it's about more spending time with your family and friends and telling us to not forget about him, that he's always there watching over us and taking care of us," Lopez told ABC's Phoenix Arizona affiliate KNXV ABC15.)

And thus, God chose Mary, who looked mucheth like a 'Space Hopper', to bear His only Son.

(A tree stump that many say looks like a silhouette of the Virgin Mary has brought thousands of worshipers to St. Mary's parish church in Rathkaele, Ireland, where a makeshift shrine has been built. Some jubilant visitors see the tree stump as a divine gesture. "People have been crying out for something good to happen," one visitor, Noel White, told The Associated Press, "and this is all good for the soul.")

Proving that the Americans don't have a monopoly of batpoop crazy religious fanatics, this image of Mary (again, really flattering, I don't mean to be irreverent but if she's not giving the 'stink eye' to this one, she's too busy playing the heavenly version of Words With Friends on her iPhone!) appeared as the shape of a tree stump in Ireland. The Irish drink a lot.

(A stain on a griddle that some people say is the image of Our Lady of Guadalupe is drawing crowds to the Las Palmas restaurant in Calexico, Calif., according to The Associated Press. A cook says she spotted the image while she was cleaning the griddle. Since the discovery, the griddle has reportedly been taken off the stove and placed in something of shrine in a storage room. This photo was taken April 25, 2009.)

So, Our Lady of Guadalupe has been reduced to a blobby stain on a griddle. And it's now a shrine. It's a poor representation of a space shuttle at best!

(A Chicago woman claims the image of the Virgin Mary has appeared on the stomach of her pet sand turtle, the Chicago Sun-Times reports. Shirley's daughter, Dolly Fordyce, 58, said: "I thought we were going crazy the first time I saw it. I looked at it and said, 'It can't be.' But then I looked again. I mean, you can't deny it." McVane has since renamed the turtle "Mary" and its tank mate "Joseph.")

Teenage Mutant Mary Turtle, Teenage Mutant Mary Turtle... Mother of God in a half-shell! Dolly, I haz news for you, you are crazy! Batpoop crazy! "You can't deny it" she said. I can, am, and I'm placing a copyright infraction on the image of the Leaning Tower of Pisa right now!

It's Jesus!

Except it isn't. God gave us His word in the form of a book. I'm pretty sure he hasn't had an after-thought along the lines of "you know what, this 'Bible' business isn't taking off in terms of divine revelation, what I really need to do is reveal the likeness of my only begotten Son in a frying pan"!

(Evan Chase of Cleveland had an Easter surprise. When he opened up a tie-dyed T-shirt, he said he saw the image of Jesus. "All of the hair on my body stood up when I first looked at it, for sure," he said. "I just didn't know how to react.")

I've got a reaction Evan, you're an idiot.

(A 22-year-old British bank worker called it a "miracle" when a late-night cooking session went awry. According to the U.K.'s Daily Mail, Toby Elles decided to make some bacon, but, presumably droopy after a few beers earlier in the evening, he took a nap while the food cooked on the stove. When he awoke, he said, the room was full of smoke. After he scraped the burnt bacon from the pan, Elles told the Daily Mail he saw the face of Jesus Christ in the pan. "If it wasn't for the smoke it could have been a very bad situation," he said. "Perhaps someone's looking over me.")

He works in a bank. Do you really want a man looking after your money who sees Jesus (admittedly being drunk) after falling asleep while frying bacon? "And thus, God did say unto them, as ye fry the delicious Danish bacon, shalt thou see my Son in all His glory and you shall know me and be saved." Book of Toby, Chapter 1, Verse 2. Dead Sea Scrolls updated edition 2010.

(In this photo taken Nov. 23, 2009, Mary Joe Coady, of Methuen, Mass., displays an electric iron with residue on the bottom that she says resembles the face of Jesus Christ. She said the image has reassured her that "life is going to be good.")

Mary Joe, "life is going to be good" in the mental home for mental people they put you in when they concur you are a mentalist.

(She got more than the satisfaction of a late night snack, she got a miracle. A North Carolina woman named Linda Lowe discovered what she believes to be an image of Jesus in her grilled cheese sandwich. Lowe's son tried to sell the toast on eBay, but the picture would not download correctly, so Lowe took that as another sign from God -- that the discovery was meant for her to keep. Lowe keeps the toast in a Tupperware container in her room.)

Linda took a sign that the photo wouldn't download correctly as "another sign from God". Truly we serve a wise and all-powerful God. Not only can he raise the dead, cure all ills, save mankind and intelligently design the whole universe (screw you Stephen Hawkings - but I have read your books, they're pretty good, especially the illustrated versions that help me to see what the living crap you're going on about!), but God can also affect your image downloading capabilities. Hear that you atheists? He can mess with your downloading! Don't mess no more with the one true God!

I think what this mini-collection of photos (and assorted batpoop crazy lunatics) proves, is that people are desperate to find God by any means necessary. Although it does make me wonder if these people would go fishing in their bathtub rather than the sea!

Carla Bruni - The French First Lady

Ok, I feel now as a country, the USA purchased a lottery ticket and not only did we not win, somebody knocked on our front door and beat us in the face for choosing crappy numbers. (Which is fair enough. If you choose anything between 18-26, or 34-44, you deserve beating in the store you bought the ticket!)

May I present the French first lady, Carla Bruni. Next to our own lady of loveliness (I slightly regurgitated the pizza I ate 4 hours ago typing that), Michelle 'slapped in the face with a shovel' Obama.

Seriously, I hope you Democrats are happy. It takes a lot to force Americans to willingly watch the news in the first place without having to see old misery face looking pissed because she's only had 6 vacations since April.

Bettina Wulff - The German First Lady

I don't mean like, the first lady to actually exist in Germany. I know they were a bit man-ish during the cold war on the Eastern side of the country in terms of Olympic athletes but I've known some very attractive German girls since then. Ok, I haven't, but I think they're out there.

Anyway, I digress. They get Bettina, we get Michelle Obama. Can we have a tax hike to get a more attractive first lady in the White House?

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Shark photobomber!

Girl, 17 Years Old, Is Still a Baby.

Yeah, I don't get it what the big deal is. Us guys get called "big babies" by our girlfriends all the time!

Oh, except this girl is still physically baby/toddler sized. But famous now, so every cloud... etc. Scientists are currently studying her condition to see if it could be useful. Ok, so I browsed the article and made a mockery of their scientific plan! They are trying to see if they can use information from her genes to fight aging. The only problem (I summarize and under-exaggerate there slightly) with her condition is that she's also mentally a baby. Or, she's just milking the situation (that's a thought, is she still being breastfed 17 years later?) and getting carried around and having her diapers changed because she's lazy? It would be tempting though to be waited on hand and foot for as long as possible. Apparently she has never learned to speak though which may or may not be true. The game would be up if she suddenly came out and gave an existential review of her social stigma among her peers.

Anyway, good luck Brooke Greenberg. If you're truly destined to be a baby forever (that also sounds like something one of my ex-girlfriends said...) then enjoy it, life gets sucky after the age of 7 or 8. If you're pulling a fast one and reading this article on 'Baby's First Laptop' then good for you!

(Brooke is the one on the left. Otherwise this story would be crap.)

I am a great artist.

A while ago, I drew a rabbit sitting on a chair for my best friend. (Her nickname is 'rabbit' and we had just returned from Ikea after buying chairs so it seemed apt.) The scary thing is, the drawing is so realistic, that if you catch it out of the corner of your eye, it looks like a real live rabbit sitting on a real chair. All of a sudden, you're like "dang! How did that real rabbit get into my house and where did I get that awesome chair it's sitting on?"

A while later, I drew another picture for a different friend (my first friend is now living off the profits of selling my original artwork). This time of a cat. This one you have to be careful of, because although rabbits are cuddly and non-threatening, cats can be scary if you suddenly see one and wonder how it got there. So, remember to look at this drawing full on and not glimpse at it otherwise you could be troubled you saw a real cat in your room!

BTW, I drew these on an iPhone application called 'Pocket Whiteboard'. Despite what you may think, they are NOT real photographs!

Homeless man calls 911 from hot tub, seeks cocoa and hug.

Claiming his identity as "the Sheriff of Washington County" (which he later refuted - those dang ID checks always mess up your alibis), a homeless man sat in a bath for 10 hours before deciding to dial 911 and request some things.

Although he was arrested for criminal trespass, they could have at least given him the hug! Have you Oregonians no heart?

Plastic surgery junkie Heidi Montag says she now fears her nose may fall off.

There are 3 definite reactions to this story:

1 - Somewhere in the world, Spencer is laughing his butt off.
2 - Lauren is laughing even harder.
3 - There will be a Flash-based game within 24 hours involving knocking Heidi's nose off!

50 leading Muslim groups declare the U.S. as "anti-Islamic".

Yeah, you're not too popular because as much as we hear from you about the peaceful and tolerant side of Islam, we never see it, even from your own media sources. Here's an idea, stop kidnapping and executing every Western aid worker you can find who has come to help your poor, from countries who have never had anything to do with the conflicts in the Middle East. You imprison, torture and execute Christians yet complain that you aren't too popular in the West. Hypocritical much? You commit democide in many of your countries at almost every change of regime, raping and murdering women and children, hide weapons and terror cells in schools and hospitals, yet take every photo op you can to show injured civilians (some of whom, you maim yourselves) to stir up hatred among your own people. You redirect money from UN and Red Cross aid programs to line the pockets of your government officials and let your people starve and die of terrible, yet preventable, diseases. Your Sharia law states it's ok to gang-rape a 12 year old girl and then stone her for adultery because she didn't fight you off. Then to prosecute the rapists, you require four male witnesses (in "good standing") to the rape. If the case is dismissed, the rape victim gets publicly whipped with 80 lashes.

Qur'an (24:13) - "Why did they not bring four witnesses of it? But as they have not brought witnesses they are liars before Allah."

Perhaps we just don't understand your ways.

Whether the U.S. and allied forces should have been involved in wars in the Middle East is one thing, but two wrongs don't make a right. There's a reason the region has been in perpetual conflict for thousands of years, and it's nothing to do with oil, that wasn't in demand, or the United States, that didn't exist. You aren't a "religion of peace". History, your own history, makes a mockery of that suggestion.

Oh, and if your leaders must keep pushing this "holy war" with the West...

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Knights Templar kitty joins the new crusade.

I've decided to dress my cat permanently like this. I believe that if the evils of radical Islam are to be confronted, we need everybody who is willing to fight, to step up to the plate.... even if they are busy cleaning their butt with their own tongue when it all goes down!

Deep-fried beer invented in Texas.

Just to get a one-up on those other loser states that are inventing crap like fuel-efficiency engines and more effective cancer treatments. Don't mess with Texas!

(Finally! My dream to combine high-cholesterol with alcoholism has come true!)

Man injured in spider chase explosion.

The only strange thing about this story was that it wasn't my friend Matt. (Matt, one of my best friends and college housemate, managed to flood our kitchen on a Tuesday and set fire to our house on Wednesday. Thursday I stayed over my girlfriend's house.)

Oh noes! A spider!

I haz a solution...

More sexism.

Older people enjoy reading negative stories about young.

Yeah? Well I like reading stories about old people freezing to death in Winter or being found hungry and soaked in their own urine! (Not really but it balances out the headline.)

("Ha ha! Did you see that young boy fall off of his skateboard and break his leg?")

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Californian doctor gets stuck in chimney. Dies.

Father Christmas blamed as a crap role model for home invasion methods.

(Officially batpoop crazy. Oh, and officially dead.)

The news article explains that she first tried to break into the house using a shovel. Then decides to go via the chimney. Who was her inspiration? This guy?

No caution required.

Meghan McCain

Oh my word! I just caught sight of John McCain's daughter, Meghan, for the first time. Why didn't somebody notify me of her existence earlier? I'd have been out at the last election threatening Democrats with violence to change their vote!

Monday, August 30, 2010

Worst. Song. Ever.

The singer (ha ha!) was a man called Paul Gascoigne, affectionately known as Gazza (generally by those who were too lazy or retarded to pronounce his last name). For a brief moment in time, he was of the most gifted soccer players England ever produced. Then, he went batpoop crazy, became an alcoholic, beat up his wife, went to a mental hospital and will go down in history as one of those athletes who had the world at his feet and threw it all away.

This is a song (ha ha again!) called "Fog On The Tyne". Apparently there was an original version but I'm too mentally scarred by this one to seek it out.

Polamalu’s hair gets insured for $1 million... Head & Shoulders. A voluntary collection by the 'Ban Really Gay Hair in the NFL' association (don't bother Googling it - I just invented it five minutes ago) is fighting to match the amount before the official season begins.

Oh, and BTW, Slash from Guns 'n Roses thinks you look like a burnt turd!

Here kitty, kitty!

This cat would make for an awesome drinking game, along the lines of 'kiss the kitty on the forehead and retain both of your eyeballs intact'.

The moon is shrinking.

In latest news, apparently the moon is shrinking. Whether it accidentally wandered into cold water, got performance anxiety, or was intimidated by the size of some of the other planet's moons at this point is unknown.

 List of things that are shrinking:

 List of things that are NOT shrinking: