Sunday, September 5, 2010

It's Jesus!

Except it isn't. God gave us His word in the form of a book. I'm pretty sure he hasn't had an after-thought along the lines of "you know what, this 'Bible' business isn't taking off in terms of divine revelation, what I really need to do is reveal the likeness of my only begotten Son in a frying pan"!

(Evan Chase of Cleveland had an Easter surprise. When he opened up a tie-dyed T-shirt, he said he saw the image of Jesus. "All of the hair on my body stood up when I first looked at it, for sure," he said. "I just didn't know how to react.")

I've got a reaction Evan, you're an idiot.

(A 22-year-old British bank worker called it a "miracle" when a late-night cooking session went awry. According to the U.K.'s Daily Mail, Toby Elles decided to make some bacon, but, presumably droopy after a few beers earlier in the evening, he took a nap while the food cooked on the stove. When he awoke, he said, the room was full of smoke. After he scraped the burnt bacon from the pan, Elles told the Daily Mail he saw the face of Jesus Christ in the pan. "If it wasn't for the smoke it could have been a very bad situation," he said. "Perhaps someone's looking over me.")

He works in a bank. Do you really want a man looking after your money who sees Jesus (admittedly being drunk) after falling asleep while frying bacon? "And thus, God did say unto them, as ye fry the delicious Danish bacon, shalt thou see my Son in all His glory and you shall know me and be saved." Book of Toby, Chapter 1, Verse 2. Dead Sea Scrolls updated edition 2010.

(In this photo taken Nov. 23, 2009, Mary Joe Coady, of Methuen, Mass., displays an electric iron with residue on the bottom that she says resembles the face of Jesus Christ. She said the image has reassured her that "life is going to be good.")

Mary Joe, "life is going to be good" in the mental home for mental people they put you in when they concur you are a mentalist.

(She got more than the satisfaction of a late night snack, she got a miracle. A North Carolina woman named Linda Lowe discovered what she believes to be an image of Jesus in her grilled cheese sandwich. Lowe's son tried to sell the toast on eBay, but the picture would not download correctly, so Lowe took that as another sign from God -- that the discovery was meant for her to keep. Lowe keeps the toast in a Tupperware container in her room.)

Linda took a sign that the photo wouldn't download correctly as "another sign from God". Truly we serve a wise and all-powerful God. Not only can he raise the dead, cure all ills, save mankind and intelligently design the whole universe (screw you Stephen Hawkings - but I have read your books, they're pretty good, especially the illustrated versions that help me to see what the living crap you're going on about!), but God can also affect your image downloading capabilities. Hear that you atheists? He can mess with your downloading! Don't mess no more with the one true God!

I think what this mini-collection of photos (and assorted batpoop crazy lunatics) proves, is that people are desperate to find God by any means necessary. Although it does make me wonder if these people would go fishing in their bathtub rather than the sea!

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