Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Californian doctor gets stuck in chimney. Dies.

Father Christmas blamed as a crap role model for home invasion methods.

(Officially batpoop crazy. Oh, and officially dead.)

The news article explains that she first tried to break into the house using a shovel. Then decides to go via the chimney. Who was her inspiration? This guy?


No caution required.

Meghan McCain

Oh my word! I just caught sight of John McCain's daughter, Meghan, for the first time. Why didn't somebody notify me of her existence earlier? I'd have been out at the last election threatening Democrats with violence to change their vote!

Monday, August 30, 2010

Worst. Song. Ever.

The singer (ha ha!) was a man called Paul Gascoigne, affectionately known as Gazza (generally by those who were too lazy or retarded to pronounce his last name). For a brief moment in time, he was of the most gifted soccer players England ever produced. Then, he went batpoop crazy, became an alcoholic, beat up his wife, went to a mental hospital and will go down in history as one of those athletes who had the world at his feet and threw it all away.

This is a song (ha ha again!) called "Fog On The Tyne". Apparently there was an original version but I'm too mentally scarred by this one to seek it out.

Polamalu’s hair gets insured for $1 million...

...by Head & Shoulders. A voluntary collection by the 'Ban Really Gay Hair in the NFL' association (don't bother Googling it - I just invented it five minutes ago) is fighting to match the amount before the official season begins.

Oh, and BTW, Slash from Guns 'n Roses thinks you look like a burnt turd!


Here kitty, kitty!

This cat would make for an awesome drinking game, along the lines of 'kiss the kitty on the forehead and retain both of your eyeballs intact'.

The moon is shrinking.

In latest news, apparently the moon is shrinking. Whether it accidentally wandered into cold water, got performance anxiety, or was intimidated by the size of some of the other planet's moons at this point is unknown.


 List of things that are shrinking:

 List of things that are NOT shrinking:

Man, 21, posed as middle-schooler for football.

"Hi! I'm in 15th grade."

I can understand devising this plan for the glory (because let's be honest, we'd all like to go back to school knowing what we know now and kick some tail), but it's a little concerning if he was doing it to impress the middle school cheerleaders!


The good old days of Windows Vista.

What a piece of crap OS that was!

'Amityville Horror' house sold.

I try not to have too many binding rules to live by in my life because they either; (a) come back to bite me in the butt, or; (b) I forget them, break them, then get disgruntled at my failure to follow my own rules.

One rule I've been pretty good about following though, is not living somewhere that is as haunted as crap!

I don't know how many of you saw either the original movie, or the remake, of The Amityville Horror, but it was based upon a true story. I obviously can't testify to how much of the story was true but if any of the "haunted as crap" part was true, this disqualifies the house as somewhere I would consider living. Apparently, this is not a universal rule followed by everybody...


Sexism. (Can be funny.)

3 Great Cartoons.

(Click to enlarge.)

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Man dies after having eel inserted in rectum during a prank gone awry.

Those crazy Chinese! Not content with supplying us with awesome food and making our toys (with 36 hour warranties), now they've taken bachelor party pranks to the next level.

Fed up with stripping the groom naked and tying him to railings in a public place? How about sticking a live eel up his butt until it eats its way through his bowels?

The Sun newspaper (English press) treated the incident with great respect when they covered the story, going with the headline... "Chef dies after feeling eel".


Husbands can be jailed for insulting wives under new French law.

So what are the French supposed to do in the evenings now?

("Your mother smells of garlic, you smell of garlic and you both have hairy pits!")


This is a FACT!

Researchers Achieve Quantum Teleportation Over 10 Miles of Empty Space.

This sounds terribly exciting until you get to the part where it has a 89% success rate. Anybody want to volunteer to get transported (minus 11% of random matter in their body) from one location to another? I mean, crap, it's only 10 miles. For the sake of losing a leg, I'll walk!




Chinese hiding three million babies a year.

I read the article expecting them all to be stored in one main warehouse but I think it's something more like this:


Snakes declining at alarming rate, say scientists...

... like, not quick enough?




 (As with all photos on my blog, click if you need to enlarge.)

North Korean soccer team in deep poopy!

Ok, so they didn't exactly tear things up in the World Cup. The mistake they made was scoring in the first game against Brazil and narrowly losing 2-1. North Korean's supreme leader (as he has titled himself, I was going to go one step further and call myself 'Galactic Emperor of the Known & Unknown Universe'), Kim Jong-Il, in a fit of delusion, decided that North Korea was destined to win the World Cup and ordered the following game against Portugal to be nationally televised. Portugal won 7-0!

Apparently, the team manager and players were hauled before a 400-strong (I say strong, they're all about 5'2") crowd of government officials and subjected to a 6 hour barrage of criticism and abuse. It's hard to be constructively critical for 6 hours so I'm pretty sure this included outbreaks of random sing-a-long chants of "you're crap and you know you are!"

(Notice the practice of dragon style kung-fu from the players at the back - this was ineffective against Cristiano Ronaldo and the might of Portugal!)


Euthanasia - I was fully in support...

... because up until about age 12, I had only ever heard the word and never seen it written down. I thought it was "youth in Asia"!

I truly didn't understand why it was such a passionate issue. I felt the "youth in Africa" crowd got a free pass from controversy!

Apparently I would have had strong support from the Quebec population who are 70% in favor of euthanasia. Of course this could just be because they're Canadian and have the same understanding of the word as I did...


Going to a party later! Whoot whoot!

Unfortunately it's a party for 10-year olds. But, apparently they do have a margarita machine. Believe me, some kids are gonna get hustled out of their pocket money real bad when I start the fight-club game deep into the party, like around 5.45pm.

Chile miners face four-month wait for rescue

So the Chilean miners could be trapped until Christmas. I believe the entire area should be cleared upon their release and the only people allowed to greet them should be actors dressed as characters from Planet of the Apes.



This is how I felt in my first real office job. I got a 1.5% pay increase after making the company an extra $18M in my first 6 months. The fat, rather dim, girl who sat next to me and spent all day on the phone to her friends got a 4.5% increase. My efforts in the following year were not great!

Real dating stories!

These were taken from the Football365 forum approx. 3 years ago. Apparently true...

- On a first date I knocked on her door and her dad answered in his wheelchair. I knew then I was in for a rough night. We went to her room later that night and she showed me her baby teeth that she kept in a pot by her bed. Well, not one to discriminate, I stayed the night. Next morning she came in with a bacon sandwich for herself, nothing for me, and ate it on the bed with no plate so crumbs were going everywhere! Then she says "Can you drop me at my dance class" I said ok and she said "I'll just freshen up first" and pulled a razor from a shelf and dry shaved her armpits!

- Went out with a girl back when I was younger who was pretty close to being an alcoholic. Unfortunately her inebriation didn't make her any more inclined to make out (we were about 16/17 at the time), it just sent her into fits of weirdness. I've blocked most of it out now, but the one thing that sticks in my mind is her playing cards with her invisible (dead) grandparents and giggling along whilst doing it.

- There was a girl at college who had the nick-name, "Fat Rachel". She was a punk, quite mental, and surprise, surprise... fat. We had a rule that none of us were ever allowed to be alone in the same room as her for our own protection. One morning, after a particularly heavy tequila session, I woke up in a strange bed with that queasy, guilty feeling when you know you've done something bad the night before but can't remember what it is. I heard heavy breathing next to me. I turned slowly around with dread in my heart to be confronted by the vile features of Fat Rachel. I slowly put one foot out of the bed to escape when I heard the words, and they still haunt me to this day, "No you don't, I want a cuddle first". After a few interminable minutes she released me, I think the sobbing was getting to her.

Don't try this at home.

How Braveheart should have been told (courtesy of MadTV)


September 18th baby, CAN NOT WAIT!

Saturday night :) :) :)

This seemed appropriate for many of you...

Nasa should 'focus energy on new £1bn telescope to find alien planets'.

A billion pound space telescope that can see dark matter and can identify Earth-like planets should be Nasa’s priority over the next decade, a panel of influential scientists said.


I might be remotely sarcastic here, but do you think the panel of "influential scientists" would include any of the researchers who would be given the $1B grant for the research?

I'm pretty sure, given the restriction of life-saving cancer drugs to patients because they are too costly, there might be better public areas to spend the money than to see if alien planets are out there!

Top 10 album covers of all time...

... this may not have been one of them!

Propaganda TV!

In the old Soviet Union, there were rumored to be only two tv channels.

Channel 1 consisted of two KGB media officials reading propaganda news.

Channel 2 was a man in military uniform ordering you to turn back to Channel 1.

One of the greatest random banner ads ever!

Exactly how many are in this demographic? Probably with the rising obesity problem, the site is gaining momentum...

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Am I the only one...

... who is secretly thrilled at the idea of robots rising up and starting a war with us? (I am frequently bored.)

Lady Gaga 'inspired' by drugs.

Is this supposed to shock the same demographic who were stunned when Elton John announced he was gay?


Whoever threw the ball should be pitching for the Yankees.

Pavlov. The truth.

Hands up if all you were taught in school was that the dude rang a bell, fed the dog and so whenever the dog heard the bell at a later date, the dog salivated...

Pavlov found that a dog could be conditioned to salivate when a metronome beat at 60 beats per minute. The same dog could be conditioned to exhibit the exact opposite behavior (no salivation) when the beat was raised to 120 beats per minute. So, what happened to the dog when a metronome beating 60 beats per second was played at the same time as a metronome beating at 120 beats per second?

In another experiment with the same dog, Pavlov had both metronomes beating at the same time, one at 60 beats, the other at 120 beats per minute. The conditioned dog was required to do two totally opposite functions at the same time. This produced nervous shock, and the dog collapsed, unconscious.

Next, with the same dog, Pavlov had the 60-beat metronome suddenly jump to 120 beats per minute. At the same instant, the 120-beat metronome dropped to 60 beats per minute. This produced a melodic dissonance. When the metronomes were switched back and forth rapidly, the dog became so distressed that it died. In communist Russia, these experiments were then extended to humans, with similar results.

Parenting #102

Nominate your closest friends and relatives kids right here...

Internet Dating

About 2 years ago I met a girl on an online dating website. She seemed really cute and sweet. I know I've told some of you this story but a few other people recently asked me about it so here it is in it's full glory...

(BTW, this is 100% true - although I wish it wasn't!)

Scenario. Had 2 lunch dates. She seemed cute and normal to this point. Agreed to a 3rd date, dinner on a Saturday night. She was newly divorced, one son about 18 months old. We are 5 minutes into eating starter. Conversation goes:

HER: Do you believe in ghosts?
ME: Huh?
HER: Ghosts? Do you believe in them?
ME: Well, I'm a Christian so I believe in a spiritual realm but I don't know about the manifestation of residual or intelligent entities such as ghosts.
HER: I see them all the time.
ME: Awesome.
(I wait 10 seconds and see she's not smiling...)
ME: Wait, you're serious aren't you?
HER: Yes. Since I've moved into my new house I see them all the time.
ME: That must be annoying. Do they get in the way of the tv?
HER: It first started when I was 15 and a high school friend died and came to visit me in my dreams and told me things.
ME: Like what?
HER: Things that came true.
ME: I bet he was pissed. Suddenly he can tell the future but now he's dead.
HER: Since then, whenever anybody has died that I know or is related to somebody I know, they visit me before they are buried.
ME: Do they tell you stuff each time?
HER: Yes. Sometimes some amazing things. My son has started pointing at the ghosts now. He can see them too!
ME: I guess that saves wear and tear on the Where's Waldo books?
HER: Did you want to come to my house after dinner and I can point them out to you?
ME: Surely they'll start getting a bit self-conscious if we're all sitting there pointing at them!
HER: They like us to recognize their presence.
ME: I'll think about it.

(I did the manly thing and didn't return any calls/emails/texts after this. Her name was Beth. Batcrap crazy!)

Back-up plans.

And I thought I had bad ideas...

For those of you old enough to remember, this would have been great to ensure winning first prize in the Hungry Horrace look-a-like contest!

Facebook ad - WTF is that thing, and why is it in need of recession relief?

The Government's New Right to Track Your Every Move With GPS

I don't see what the big deal is. If they send me a friend request on Foursquare or Facebook, I can save them the trouble!


Kids today don't know they're born!

The daughter of a couple I know told me the other day that her mom pays her to keep out of the way at home.

You know what my incentive to keep out of the way was when I was young? Not getting slapped upside the head for getting in the dang way!

All hail... the tree of blood.

I took this photo on my iPhone. A neon sign was illuminating the tree from high above and left a cool effect.

Swine flu vaccine safety probed over link to rare sleep disorder.

The safety of a swine flu vaccine is to be investigated by European drugs regulators after it was linked to a rare condition that causes people to fall asleep suddenly.

I think we need to go back to basics with our advertising like this poster on a billboard in Africa.

Do not beat on her! Nuff said.

Good Advice.


This little piggy... ate all of the bacon.

I had a similar situation once when my girlfriend was on a diet. I woke up in the middle of the night to see her with 3 Weight Watchers cakes in her hands and one stuffed in her mouth. She had that 'deer in the headlights' look. That diet didn't last long...

iPhone4 case at a bargain price!

This case is like super cheap and works great as a back up for the free one from Apple.

Crying over Justin Bieber! (Original and parody.)


TV trash journalism at it's worst. At no point do we get to find out what brand, whether single or double ply is tastier, recycled, etc.